Our experts are here to answer questions sent in by readers. If you have a question on work and careers, family and relationships or personal finance, send your question via the form below.
The question: I am an expat in Luxembourg and my parents still live in my home country. They are getting older and I see that they are less able to manage on their own. I feel really guilty that I do not live near them to help them out. In my culture, children help their elderly parents and often the parents move in with their children. My life is here now, my own family, my friends, I have a good job and I am really happy here. I know I would not be happy if I went back. But how can I help them from here? And how can I forgive myself for not being present?
Laura Fox’s answer: You sound happy living in Luxembourg with your family but understandably challenged by not being closer to your parents as they get older. Have you talked directly with your parents about how living in Luxembourg has changed things and asked them how they feel about it? If not, maybe they want you to continue to live your life fully, regardless of their age and location, and don’t feel as bad about the situation as you do. Or are they saying things that make you feel guilty or question your decisions? Maybe these factors are influencing your feelings and are worth exploring.
As well as considering those questions, here are some other steps you could take.
Being clear on your parents’ specific needs can guide your decisions on how best to help them from afar. You could combine routine videocalls with setting up a system of help such as organising a cleaner, meal or food delivery, automatic bill payments or ensuring they are part of a community with regular social outings. Having a setup that is reviewed regularly is important and may ease feelings of guilt.
It’s important to remember that emotional support, even if through daily phone calls, can make a real difference. Being in touch with your parents’ friends and neighbours can be helpful too. Are there other family members who are still in your home country, and do they also share the load, or could it be improved? Also there may be background factors such as your childhood role in the family which are complicating today’s issues, and if so, these could be worth reflecting on. Perhaps you no longer need to play that role.
Planning in advance to see your parents is likely to help offset the distance and could be something to look forward to. Depending on the age of your kids, you may find they can also contribute to your parents’ happiness, by speaking regularly and sharing details of their daily lives, or if older, by making independent trips to see your parents. This contact from multiple family members can reduce your personal load.
Lastly you mention, in your culture, parents often move in with their children. Exploring this with other expats specifically from different cultures could give you contrasting perspectives and ideas on how they handle being separated from their parents. Reflecting on what you’re grateful for in Luxembourg, in discussion with others who are happy here, may ease the challenges of distance.
Laura Fox is a counsellor and mindfulness specialist working in Belair, Luxembourg City. Originally from Australia, she specialises in treating anxiety, depression, burnout, parenting and relationship issues, and trauma. She holds a bachelor and diploma in psychology along with a master in teaching mindfulness.
If you want to ask a question to one of our experts, send us your question below. Questions are published anonymously.
This information is provided for guidance only and does not claim to be exhaustive. For personalised advice, we recommend that you seek in-person guidance from a qualified professional who will be able to analyse your personal situation in full.